


list of fears

by timkon



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Minor Violence, Misgendering, Spoilers for Episode: s01e16 Rogue Time, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 19:46:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3662679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timkon/pseuds/timkon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in honor of trans day of visibility, i decided to write the trans fanfiction that this fandom needs. set directly after Dante's party.</p><p>Shit, it wasn’t supposed to come out like that. He had it all planned out with a letter he wrote and names of books he checked out from the library about these things so his parents weren't confused. Now he’s messed it all up and Dante knows - Cisco could think of very little things worse than his brother knowing about him wanting to be a boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	list of fears

**Author's Note:**

> (title from the wombats’ ‘lost in the post’)

 

Cisco knew this was a bad idea. It _never_ worked in his favor in the past, so there was no reason for it to now. If anything the fact that he hadn't seen his parents since before the STAR Labs explosion should’ve been an indicator that no one actually wanted to see him. His parents knew he was in the same building when the particle accelerator blew up, but when he checked his phone once signal had been returned there was _nada_. No missed calls, no text messages, no nothing. It was like he didn’t even register in his parents’ minds.

He nearly laughed as he ran out the door of his family home. Oh, he definitely existed to his parents. There were countless bills lying around the house racking up to thousands of dollars that proved it. But that’s all he was, wasn’t it? The token kid his parents only kept around so they could show off to their neighbors and friends that they didn’t kick their child out onto the street.

“Cisco!” He kept walking until he was far enough away that no one in the house could see him, then sat on the sidewalk outside someone’s house. “Cisco!”

He buried his head in his knees, arms wrapped tight around his legs. God, today was reminding him more and more of his childhood. He could hear footsteps pounding towards him but didn’t raise his head in acknowledgement. Cisco couldn't even find it in himself to be embarrassed about the entire situation and that Caitlin was there to see it, only enraged and upset at himself as well as his family.

Caitlin was breathing heavily by the time she made it to him, taking a seat next time him at least partially because of exhaustion. She toed off her heels and put them to the side of her. “You would not believe how difficult it is to run in heels. Wow.”

She frowned when she didn’t get a response, not used to Cisco being so quiet. “Cisco, are you okay? What happened in there? I mean, I was there and I heard everything he said but I didn’t think that alone would’ve set you off.”

That’s all it took to get him to lift his head and start ranting again. “I should’ve known no one actually wanted to have me there. That the invitation was only a ruse for Dante to shove it in my face how much better he is, how much more successful, and loved he is than I am. “

“But why would he want to do that to you? You’re his brother.”

Cisco outright laughed this time. “He still sees me as the kid who dared to take up even a little of our parents time and attention while he was busy playing Carnegie Hall and being a prodigy. As if I _wanted_ to go through all that.”

“What do you mean?”

Before he could answer Caitlin, memories from the past flooded all at once.

_A younger Cisco biting his lip after having burst out with: “Stop calling me ‘mija’, mamá! I’m not a girl! I never was, please stop treating me like one.” His mother’s shocked face. His father’s sharp look at his raised tone. Dante smirking a few feet away because “Isabella’s in trou-ble!”._

“Vete a tu cuarto, Isabella. ¿Me entiendes? No hables a tu madre de esa manera,” _his father orders him._

_He quickly nods his head and runs up the stairs, not planning on leaving his room for the next century. Shit, it wasn’t supposed to come out like that. He had it all planned out with a letter he wrote and names of books he checked out from the library about these things so his parents weren't confused. Now he’s messed it all up and Dante knows - Cisco could think of very little things worse than his brother knowing about him wanting to be a boy. By the end of tomorrow, the entire school will know and his crush will never want to speak to him again._

_Later that night, his mother comes into his room and sits at the end of his bed with pursed lips. “Is that what you really want, Isabella? Do you really want to be a boy?”_

_Cisco can’t tell if his mother’s being sincere but he tentatively nods while clutching his blanket. “I really do, mamá.”_

_His mother takes a second to breathe in deeply and says, “Okay. That’s okay. We’ll deal with this as best we can. Your father and I want you to have the best future and if that means getting you help, then we’ll do it.”_

_-_

_“Hey, Isabella!”_

_Cisco can feel the tentative ease he gained throughout the day slipping away at just those two words. He doesn't have to look behind him to know that Dante’s swaggering towards him in the lunch hall with that easy grin that makes every single one of Cisco’s friends like him. As his brother approaches, he can hear the nervous chatter and questions of his new friends start to fade away with the knowledge that a senior is heading towards them._

_A hand clamps down on his shoulders. “Hey man, what’s up?”_

_“Nothing, Dante. I was just on my way to lunch with my friends - you know what those are, right?”_

_One of said friends speaks up, “Dude, why’d he call you ‘Isabella’?”_

_“It’s just a dumb nickname he made up for me.” Cisco rolls his eyes and hopes no one can see through his facade of chill. He has never had less chill than he does at this precise moment in time._

_“What, you mean you haven’t told them yet? You shouldn't start your first day out with a lie, you know. Didn't Mamá teach you better than-”_

_Dante doesn't get to finish his sentence because Cisco just punched him. He just punched his brother and oh, God, that’s a lot of blood and his father is going to murder him when he finds out. Today could not be going any worse._

_“Now, boys,” the principal begins. “At this school we have a strict no-tolerance policy for violence. I understand you’re siblings, but that is no excuse for behaving the way you did on school property. You will both be doing 5 lunchtime detentions, with an extra after school detention for Cisco as the instigator. I expected better from you on your first day at this school, young man. Is this understood?”_

_“Yes, sir,” both students repeat. Cisco slouches in his chair, trying his best not to smirk at the sight of his brother clutching his nose that was bleeding only ten minutes prior. Dante notices his brother’s amusement and scowls. “Can we go back to class now?”_

_“Very well, you’re dismissed.”_

 

“Cisco!”

He blinked and returned to the conversation at hand. He offered a half-assed smile as an apology. “Sorry,” he said. “I just - I can’t bring myself to believe that my own brother refuses to accept me after all these years. He may as well just have called me ‘Isabella’ with the way he was acting. I am really, really sorry you had to see that.”

Caitlin hesitated. “Cisco… are you trying to tell me what I think you are?”

“I’m trans, okay? When I was born, my birth certificate said I was Isabella Garcia Ramon and a _girl._ ” He gave it a minute for it to sink in before he put his head back in his knees. He won’t, _can’t_ see Caitlin’s reaction because she’s the closest thing he’s had to a best friend since college and he doesn't know what he’ll do if she rejects him like they did.

“Hey, Cisco. _Cisco._ You know we wouldn't have reacted badly, right? I’m pretty sure I speak for everyone when I say we all accept you for who you are, even though the real you makes terrible, terrible puns.” Caitlin reached out a hand to cradle his neck and looked him straight in the eye. “We all love you, Cisco. This won’t change anything.”

“You say that, but then I’ll mess something up again like I always do and I’ll become a burden to you guys. My own _parents_ aren’t even proud of me. Why should you be?”

“Oh, Cisco,” she said before promptly reaching over and hugging him tightly. He let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding and buried his head in her shoulder. At some point, he should really mention to her that she is honestly fantastic at giving hugs. She managed to convey every single positive emotion in the book and then some, through gesture alone.

“Did you get a PhD in hugs as well as bio-engineering?” he mumbled into her shoulder.

Caitlin laughed and hugged him a little tighter before she pulled back. “I didn’t, but judging by your reaction I might not need one. You know that I’m proud of you, right? You helped save our lives countless times and you brought Ronnie back to me. I don’t think I could ever pay you back for what you’ve done for me.”

“I guess, but-”

“Cisco, everyone at STAR Labs is proud of you, and if you don’t believe me I will personally drag you there myself to prove it. You should know better than to ask a scientist to prove something, so if I were you I would nod and say ‘yes, Caitlin, you’re totally right.’”

Cisco put on his most serious, deadpan face and said, “Yes, Caitlin, you’re totally right.”

She laughed and punched his arm, before snaking hers in the middle and tugging him into a standing position with her. “You’re such a dork. Now come on, we’ve got better places to be than here.”

“Uh-huh, like where?”

“At STAR Labs, pretending to be useful while we try to predict the nicknames of Barry’s future villains.”

He’s skeptical. “I thought you hated those nicknames.”

“I do, but I am willingly to look past that today.” Caitlin smiled as they walked, her shoes in her other hand, and Cisco decided then to just let her do her thing, if it meant he got to see her smile more. “Forget about your brother, let’s go.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> *"nada" means nothing  
> **"mija" is slang for 'mi hija', meaning 'my daughter'  
> ***"Go to your room, Isabella. Do you understand me? Don't talk to your mother like that."
> 
> special thanks to somerdaye & aiden for encouraging me to write this! 
> 
> this is the first fic i've written and published since i was a pre-teen (tumblr doesn't count) so i'd be happy to hear any feedback/thoughts. i have a lot of feelings about The Flash in general, especially trans/queer headcanons so I might continue writing once my exams are over.


End file.
